My Vocal Journey

Yes it's true. I DO love my voice!!

It's hard to believe now, but only five short years ago I wouldn't even consider opening my mouth to try and sing in front of anybody. Ever!! If anyone ever shoved a karaoke microphone in front of me, I was gone! Out of there --as fast as possible.

 Even trying to speak up loudly enough to be heard was often challenging and stressful for me. Partly that was due to a weak, underused voice and partly it was extreme shyness. Amazingly enough, I did manage to lead workshops and to give talks in the past, but always with the big fear that my voice wouldn't hold up. And in those days I had to really push my voice just to get it heard. Giving a talk or leading a workshop, or even having to socialize in noisy surroundings meant pushing my voice out  in a way that did not feel good or natural and actually left me (and my voice) feeling somewhat traumatized and not wanting to speak at all at least for a day or two afterwards.

The Turning Point

Now, I had, in the past, tried various ways and vocal workshops and healing modalities to  remedy this blocked Throat Chakra and trapped voice of mine. Mostly my vocal chords weren't even strong enough to be able to do the recommended vocal exercises without strain. And in those times when I did manage to open my throat enough to push my voice out with some volume, I would find that, afterwards, something in me would close down even more. Somehow, even hearing my own voice projected out there was scary enough to stop me from wanting to try again. I have to admit to getting discouraged and giving up fairly easily -- until one evening about four and a half years ago. This would have been August of 2008.

I was attending a Peace Circle which I had attended many times before. I loved this Circle and felt quite comfortable and safe in this group -- primarily because the main activity in this group was writing. And I feel really confident and comfortable and "at home"when it comes to writing (I actually do seem to have a lot to say -- and I can usually"say it" freely through writing). This one particular evening, only a few of us showed up for the Circle and it was decided (not by me!!!) that instead of our usual writing exercise, we would share songs. I just froze -- totally lost my voice. I couldn't sing, even to follow the songs that were being offered. My voice, as it always did whenever I felt threatened or uncomfortable, just retreated to a deep, inaccessible place inside of me. Even to try to say anything was painful and took a huge effort. This was a familiar experience and response, but being in this small group, it felt even more intensified. I felt mortified and miserable -- while everyone else was having a great time singing and dancing! 

Yes, I CAN Sing!

   Within 10 days after this miserable experience, I found myself in a singing studio in front of a microphone and singing teacher. I was determined -- I could not live with that kind of vocal repression any longer! This time, I was determined, and fortunate to also have a therapist to help me through the challenges of embarking on this vocal journey. The first singing teacher did get me singing and I will be eternally grateful to him for that. However, he wasn't able to help me with the weakness and fear that were lodged in my voice. My voice would unexpectedly crack or I would get a really  "froggy" throat that no amount of throat clearing would help. So I went searching for a technique that might help me strengthen my voice. By Feb. 2009, I found an amazing technique** for the voice and a really wonderful vocal coach who has helped me immeasurably in strengthening my voice and  freeing the power in it. The vocal work has taken some time, but for me, the step by step way that my vocal coach worked and trained my voice felt safe and manageable. I'm now singing in front of friends and small groups. I'm doing storytelling. I'm leading small vocal workshops, combining voice with the Chakra work that has been so dear to my heart for many years. I have no fears now that my voice won't hold up -- it always does hold up now.  I even have a few private clients that I am helping with their vocal issues and fears.  

**The technique I refer to was originally Speech Level Singing. Now it has morphed in "Vocology in Practice". For info, check out the 3rd Voice link to the right of this blog. Or check out The Singers Instinct by Brandon Brophy -- available on Amazon.

Releasing A Childhood Vocal Trauma

  I'm getting a little ahead of my story here. Going back to Feb. 2009, almost as soon as I began working with my current vocal coach, some really interesting memories and sensations started to show up -- as well as a deeper understanding of why my voice had been so thoroughly shut down in the first place. I was a painfully shy child, so afraid to open my mouth, even with close relatives. As an adult, my voice was still very quiet and constricted and high pitched. One of the first things my vocal coach did, in terms of training my voice, was to help me drop the resonance and vibration of my voice into my chest. Immediately when I started vocalizing from my chest voice, I started to feel some power and strength come through in my voice that I had never experienced before. One particular sound -- NA NA NA -- I had to do  like a "bratty kid" with my tongue sticking out. I loved it! Never got to make those kinds of sounds when I was a kid. And never really got to be "bratty". What a delicious freedom for this nice, quiet, polite girl to be nasty and bratty and to make these wonderful LOUD sounds. 

   As I was doing the NA NA NA scale, I suddenly had this amazing vision that appeared in front of me. I saw myself as I was in about grade 2 or 3. The music teacher we had then also appeared in front of me -- so vividly that I felt like I could reach out and touch her. She was a large, imposing woman, especially to a small child like I was. She had come into our classroom this one day to "test us" to see if we could be in the school choir. The test was having to stand up, all alone, in front of the class and sing DO RE  ME .... Even remembering myself as that shy, withdrawn little girl waiting, terrified, for her turn to come, ties my belly up in knots! When it came to my turn, I don't know what kind of sound, if any, came out of my mouth. Clearly it was not a "good" sound, because I was not allowed to sing in the children's school choir. A few of us got left behind in the classroom while the majority of the class got to go to the gym and sing. It was humiliating and devastating to that little girl that I was, to be told that my voice was no good for singing.  Through this whole vision, I was still standing there in front of my vocal coach singing NA NA NA with my tongue sticking out. As he encouraged me to make it sound even "nastier and brattier" I suddenly felt this surge of power, feeling like I was actually sticking my tongue out and, very brattily saying "NA NA NA" to that music teacher who had so totally traumatized me and stopped me from singing as a little girl. In that moment I felt like I was that little girl again but this time I was saying (loudly) "I'll show you. I can so sing and you are not going to stop me -- ever again!"

In the meantime, my vocal coach was saying to me, "Wow. You are really getting that sound out. You are really in your chest voice. That's great". Little did he know the entire drama that had just unfolded in front of my eyes! That was an incredibly cathartic moment! It helped to release a lifelong  constriction that had been around my throat holding my voice back. And that NA NA exercise is amazing for developing the strength in the vocal chords. My chest voice is very strong and powerful now thanks to those bratty NA NAs and many other fun sounds that my teacher taught me.

I've had many incredible and cathartic moments throughout the past few years since I have been working with my vocal coach and learning this beautiful technique. And, a real added benefit, I'm having a wonderful time re-discovering the music of my teen-age years -- Buddy Holly, Beatles, Rolling Stones and of course, our great Canadian songbird  -- Anne Murray. Their music means even more to me now that I am learning to sing it. I've always loved and admired these musicians and singers but previously I had no idea of what it takes to create these songs, to sing in time and on pitch, to develop vibrato in the voice etc. etc. Now I REALLY admire these singers and musicians. 


The Embodied Voice

Another real added benefit to having this stronger, more stable and expressive voice  is that now I'm able to explore various ways of connecting the voice more deeply with the Heart and Soul, and with the Chakras (energy centres). I'm still exploring and experimenting with ways to more deeply "embody" my voice, to allow it to flow out of my core or my centre. My focus is on allowing the voice to be deeply connected with all parts of ourselves, to be embodied as part of our Wholeness (as opposed to something we just "use" and take for granted). And how to allow our Voices to speak the truth of our Heart and Soul. I think it is vitally important and healing for people to "find their voice and speak their truth". 

VOICE is such an incredible gift. I believe that we do ourselves a big favour by honouring the voice, loving it, caring for it and allowing it to express. As much as I love learning to sing songs (and believe me these songs feel really important to me) , I also feel an equally deep need to sometimes just allow my voice to express in whatever way it needs and wants to. 

It is so important to listen deeply to the needs of the Voice, rather than just pushing it to do our bidding. 

Here's to Vocal Power! May all beings be allowed to sing and to express through the beauty and power of their own unique voice. 

Barbara

PS  On Sat. March 2, from 10:15 am --12:15 pm I am offering The Embodied Voice workshop -- more details to come soon.